Things we need... (Part I)

"Your blog has been resurrected. Just like Jesus." - The Reverend Jennifer Barrett-Siegal

It's worth noting that before I could ask my wife whether we should adopt national holidays to celebrate my blog's birthday, death and subsequent rebirth, I fell asleep.

From time to time I tap the infinite wisdom of my mind and make a discovery so startling and beneficial to humankind, that I must share it in hopes that someone will make it a reality (and pay me royalties). Today is the first of perhaps a never-ending series of blog entries on such realizations. Or perhaps today will be the only entry. When you're as odd as I am, one never knows.

Anywho...how many times have you innocently entered a restroom, cheerful as the day is long, until you are overcome by the most eye-watering, gut-wrenching, near-gagging stench that was left by a recent occupant? This is no ordinary smell, but the remnants produced only by combining subpar Mexican food with 4 too many Golden Anniversaries (editors note: if you don't know what a Golden Anniversary is, you've never gone to college). It's the type of stench that stays with you, in the inner recesses of your mind, haunting you as you sleep, nagging you whenever you realize that a trip to the John is in your future.

Happens to all of us - mostly at work, but sometimes in a public restroom and if you host a party, occasionally your own home. Or, if you are part of my Vegas trips with the guys, it happens on a daily basis. I don't know how much hotel maids make in Vegas, but the poor soul who tidies up after us deserves a raise. And sainthood.

What is the solution to this national nightmare of foulness? My friends, I bring you the future: the Bathroom Foul Odor Illumination System - soon to be known everywhere as the BFOIS (I tried for a long time to come up with an acronym for SHIT - just couldn't do it). The BFOIS is a device that very much resembles a traffic light (ok, it is a traffic light), which is hung on the wall outside the restroom, and connected to a smell-o-meter inside a restroom.

Under normal conditions, the light will be green indicating all is clear and you are ready for a most enjoyable waste removal experience. Should you happen to approach when the bathroom is under less than ideal conditions, the light will be yellow, which will serve as a warning to either slow down or hold your breath. However, if you need to use the toilet and the light is red, entering means taking your life (and the contents of your stomach) into your own hands, knowing that if you proceed, you may be walking into an area where no amount of breath-holding will protect you from the rancid oxygen molecules that are waiting to invade every pore and orifice of your body.

While the BFOIS serves as a warning for prospective restroom occupants, it can also serve as truth-serum for those whose bodily functions are responsible for a red light. How unfortunate would it be too enter a green-lit bathroom with a line of people waiting behind you, only to exit under the devilish glow of red?

With the BFOIS, never again will you have to set foot in the lav, hoping that the air is fresh and the sun is shining. Instead, you will have the information necessary to make an informed excrement decision. You will be happier. Your friends and family will be happier. The economy will be happier.

Chuckle if you wish, mock if you must. But we'll see who is holding their breath on visits to the potty today.