Learning to Fly

I've spent much of the past 2 weeks traveling: Seattle and Phoenix for work and down to visit Pops in Florida this past weekend. My journeys have reinforced 2 longstanding beliefs: First,that I still love to fly. Not sure why, but the whole concept of getting on an 8-ton airplane and hurtling through the air at 550 mph is pretty cool.

Back in the days when my bladder wasn't the size of a Raisinet, I would sit in the window seat and spend an inordinate amount of time staring out the window. When I fly United, I spend the entire flight on Channel 9, listening to the cockpit-to-air traffic control communication. Hell, I don't even mind the normal hustle and bustle of an airport.

Second, there are an inexplicably large number of stupid people in this world, and it seems like most of them are conveniently booked on my flights.

The prevailing wisdom is that flying is a hassle at best and downright torturous when things go wrong. Why? Well, it's not the weather or the fact that every seat is taken. It's because other people ruin the experience. Want examples? Well, go figure...I was just about to provide some.

Here's a typical trip:

1) You arrive at the airport and check-in. Thanks to the self-serve kiosks, this is usually quick and painless. Unless, of course, you happen to be taking an airline where there is a line to use the kiosks. Because in this scenario, you will inevitably be stuck behind at least 4 people who, while at the front of the line, are not intelligent enough to march over to one of the 5 open kiosks. Nope, they are waiting for the $7-per hour airline employee to give them the OK. Why? Not sure. Maybe they have mommy issues. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 7 (out of 10).

2) After wasting an extra 10 minutes at the kiosks, you head over to security. Keep in mind, it's been more than 7 years since 9/11 and the dumbass would-be shoe bomber who couldn't be bothered to blow himself (and the plane) up in privacy. Nope, he had to try to light the fuse while sitting in his seat. Thankfully, he failed. In addition, travelers have not been allowed to bring liquids through security in containers bigger than 3 ounces for several years. So what happens on a typical trip? You get behind a family (with several small kids) that pays no attention to the designated family lane and chooses the "frequent travelers/intelligent people/we-know-what-we're-doing lane." In front of this family is the woman who doesn't realize she has to take off her shoes AND her jacket and in front of her is the college student with the headphones who couldn't be bothered to empty the coins out of his pocket. Apparently, metal detectors 101 is offered as a pass/fail, so extra studying is not required. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 8.

3) You get to the gate at 12:15 for a flight that is scheduled to leave at 1. No plane. 12:30: no plane. 12:45: no plane. Given that it takes at least 15 minutes for passengers to disembark, 10 minutes for the workers to pick up the scraps and another 25 minutes for the next set of passengers to board, one would think that the ever-alert gate agent might want to make some type of announcement to quell the growing line of people who are wondering just how long a delay they are facing. However, one would be wrong. I've been on several flights where the plane hadn't yet arrived by the departure time. Giving people a head's up is not just good customer service, it's common sense and common courtesy. No surprise then, that it often does not happen. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 9.

4) Boarding time. The gate agent doesn't so much as get three words out and half the people at the gate head over so they can be first on board when their row or group number is called (it's all about the overhead space). However, rather than maintain some semblance of order and prevent people from boarding out of turn, our intrepid gate agent lets anyone and everyone go through. Chaos ensues. Jon gets mad. On our honeymoon, the flight out of Boston was a 747 (400+ people). The gate agent made one announcement for first class. And then proceeded not to make another. A 400 person free-for-all. Good times. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 9.

5) You're in your seat waiting to taxi out, but the dilweed in the window seat needs to grab something from his bag in the overhead. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 5.

6) And then he does it again. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 10.

7) Time for the announcements. Of course, you inevitably end up with a flight attendant who a) has a ridiculously heavy accent; b) speaks very softly; and/or c) constantly flubs the instructions. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 7.

8) Unless you happened to be on the Boston-West Palm Beach flight I was on last Friday (also known as the Jewish Shuttle) and you had a flight attendant that took her job a little too seriously. For instance, if 1 millimeter of your bag was not completely under the seat in front of you, she would remind you that it's a FEDERAL REGULATION! that your bag fit COMPLETELY under the seat. A good 10-15 minutes after we took off, an older gentlemen got up to use the bathroom. This flight attendant stopped him just before he was about to open the door and reminded him that if he went in there, he was putting himself at risk for possible injury because it's a FEDERAL REGULATION! that he be in his seat until the seat belt sign was turned off. The poor old guy was so spooked he went back to his seat. Hope he didn't pee himself. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 10.

9) And then there was the return flight home on Monday. The flight attendant making the announcements had an interesting personality quirk. She could not shut up. In between and following the safety announcements were several minutes of her making small talk, cracking jokes, letting the flight know that she was single (no kidding), etc. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 10.

10) Doing this on JetBlue, when I am trying to watch TV. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 15.

11) Female pilots (who probably don't use their turn signal). ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 3.

12) Finally, you've landed at your destination. Time to get off the plane. Except that it takes 30 minutes because half the people in front of you wait until the aisle in front of them is completely clear - and it's their turn to get off the plane - before getting up and spending 45 seconds trying to free their bag from the evil clutches of the overhead compartment. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 8.

I could come up with a few more, but because the vast majority of my three-known readers are now catatonic, I will refrain. One would think that a little bit of common sense would alleviate many of these issues, but alas, that is wishful thinking. Maybe Obama can wave his magic wand and make all these problems go away. After he fixes the economy and facilitates world peace, of course.