First, in writing the post, Mark would likely get so worked up and angry that he would end up muttering vulgarities to himself, and whomever he happens to walk by, for the next 3 days. I am not kidding. Secondly, commenting on what he would want as his last meal, it took 937 words for Mark to realize that he needed to give it more thought. I fear that if I let him write about bad drivers, the resulting manifesto would make the Lord of The Rings trilogy seem like a children's book.
First, the obligatory disclosure - I have a lead foot. I believe 80 is the new 55. I do not drive recklessly, but I do drive aggressively and believe that the best defense is a good offense. Of course, I also believe that Eli Manning is the antichrist, so my beliefs should be taken with a grain of salt.
And with that said, it is astounding to me just how many terrible drivers there are on the road. These people are a menace to themselves and surrounding motorists. It's a broad spectrum of offenses - from a failure to understand the basic rules of the road to making inexplicably idiotic maneuvers. How do I react? Well, I will simply say this - if I was exposed to an overdose of gamma rays instead of the mild-mannered Bruce Banner, I would spend 95% of my driving life as a big green guy with an attitude problem. Instead, I spend 95% of my driving life as a bald, pasty-white guy with an attitude problem.
Why so cranky, you ask? Well, it's because I am wired that way. But if you are looking for specific examples, here are 8 things I have seen just in the past week or two (in no particular order of importance):
- Driving too slowly in the left lane. How slow is too slow? If you are not passing cars in the middle lane, that is too slow. If the car behind you is virtually sitting on your bumper, that is too slow. If you look in the rear view mirror and the driver of the car behind you seems to be screaming at no one and making odd distorted body movements that may include the extension of a middle finger, that is too slow. Oh, and I really appreciate it when you vacate the left lane AFTER I pass you. That's always helpful.
- Pickup trucks in the left lane. If you drive a pickup truck, I don't care how good of a driver you think you are. You should not be in the left lane. Do truck companies affix a warning label to the dashboard of pickups, warning drivers that going more than 60 mph may result in severe pubic itching? It certainly seems so. If you own a pickup, I'd like you to do 2 things. First, read the paragraph above. Second, get the hell out of the left lane.
- Swerving across 2, 3, 4 lanes at 70 mph because you didn't realize your exit was fast approaching. Hey, it happens to all of us - we don't realize how quickly the exit is coming up, so we risk life and limb to avoid traveling another 2 miles to take the next exit and turn around. Of course, most of us would rather sit in a 14-car line at the drive-thru than actually get out of the car and walk inside Dunkin Donuts. In both instances, common sense should prevail. And for those of you who care, milk and 2 sweet-n-lows.
- Changing lanes for no apparent reason. One of my personal favorites. I'll be humming down the highway, only to come up on the dillweed (copyright Stacey Holifield, 2008) in the Dodge Neon who is doing 60 in the left lane. So, with nobody in the middle lane, I start to pass....and almost plow into the dufus who was driving in the right lane with nobody in front of him, but who realizes that 88 virgins await him in heaven if only he will move into the middle lane....right now. Seriously, just shoot me.
- Slowing down significantly when passing a state trooper who pulled someone else over. Yup, your worst fears are about to be realized. Even though you're only driving about 10 mph over the speed limit, the trooper who is writing someone else a ticket is going to notice you, ditch the other guy and decide that it is you who is the bane of humanity's existence. I especially love it when you speed back up again, usually going even faster than before, thinking you've outsmarted the law. Good for you.
- Choosing the wrong lane at the red light. So you're approaching an intersection with 2 lanes. There's no one in front of you in either lane, there is no "No Turn on Red" sign, AND...you are planning to continue straight through the intersection when the light turns green. Which lane do you choose? Why, the one on the right! Of course you do...you f@!#ing motherf*!&ker. I hope you get stuck behind a pickup that is going 20 in a 40 zone.
- The Fast Lane meltdown. You're approaching the toll plaza and do not have a Fast Lane, EZ-Pass or any other type of transponder. But wait! Only at the very last second do you realize that somehow, you are in the Fast Lane! What do you do? Why, you come to a complete stop, put on your blinker and wait for some kind soul in the next lane to let you in. This despite the fact that the Fast Lane signs and road markings are visible approximately 17 miles before the toll plaza.
- Not using the blinker. So you're cruising down the highway at 80 mph in the right lane and need to get in the middle lane to pass the pickup in front of you that, for a change, is actually driving in the correct lane. Meanwhile, I'm in the left lane and about to get into the middle lane because the Soccer Mom in the minivan and on the phone is doing 55. While I, most courteous of all drivers, signal my intention to change lanes by using my blinker, you believe that blinkers are for wimps and take it upon yourself to cruise into the middle lane with no warning whatsoever. Our cars come about 3.2 inches of touching, when I back off, let you take the space and quickly proceed to spaz out, tailgating you, flashing you my high beams, threatening to castrate your pet goldfish....and you can't for the life of you understand why I am carrying on.
Posts
I'm generally a pretty open-minded person. I love everyone, even con artists....however...the fact remains...if you drive a Hyundai Tiburon..you drive like an asshole.
ReplyDeleteI challenge someone to prove me wrong, but an hour on 128S in the morning tells me otherwise....
Don't forget the freakin' moron who tries to pass you whenever you pull over for an ambulance!
ReplyDeleteJon - THIS is why I love you. And I think Eli should be banned to his own private island - with his parents!
ReplyDeleteCome to Vermont - the speed limit is 65 - so you can drive 90.
Ahhh..Massachusetts driving. Nothing finer in my opinion...Darwinism in action. Problem is we produce too many drivers and the cars are getting safer; how are we supposed to thin out the herd at this rate? (www.Ban-Airbags-In-Mass.com might be a way to start. I might buy this domain)
ReplyDeleteOver my 19 years of driving, I’ve spent 9500** hours in the car (not including traffic), covering a total 570,000** miles. That’s 395.83** DAYS of my life spent on the road. Not a record by any means, but I feel it qualifies me to make some statements that can be held to a certain degree of validity.
(**based on an average of 30,000 miles annually, using 60mph as a constant speed)
While I may not use these terms extensively through this article, it would still behoove one to know them to get an idea of where I’m coming from. There will be no test, but if you understand them now, you’ll wont walk away from this like most everyone in Massachusetts did from their Drivers Ed test - confused and more ignorant than when they went in.
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***KEY TERMS***
- Good driver -
Me, Maio Andretti, Cale Yarborough, Bo and Luke Duke, Michael Schumacher, and Danica Patrick (hottie!). Thats it.
- Bad driver -
Everyone not me, Mario Andretti, Cale Yarborough, Bo and Luke Duke, Michael Schumacher, or Danica Patrick. (still a hottie!)
- Aggressive driver -
one who applies all of the rules of the road safely, albeit at a more rapid rate then others. Read this one again carefully. (if you are from MA please read it six times , because I know how much trouble you have reading) I want to draw the line here that there is a difference between someone who is reckless, and someone who is aggressive. I use the term aggressive, but I think its better said that this driver tends to exercise their right-of-way more authoritatively than others might consider doing. Say for instance you failed to yield to me when the right of way was clearly mine, (based on Massachusetts law, and not what you think is right in your pea brained head) I will let you know about in a variety of different ways, including but not limited to passing you in a no passing zone, cutting you off, tailgating you, following you home, blocking your exit, and creating rude gestures with shadow puppets, flash cards and gold stars. (The whiteboard got so cumbersome to keep up with)
- Leadfoot -
one who constantly wants to drive within the 10 - 15 MPH "safe zone" above posted speed limits. More often than not, this person is also an "Aggressive Driver"
- Speedkeepers -
those who drive and adhere to the strict maximum speed limit and not 1 mph above because they feel no one should be going faster then them, since they are in fact at the limit of speed for a given zone. Usually found in the far left lane of the highway.
- Street Sweepers -
Drivers that once in front of you are sure to draw out the cops because their actions as so much more heinous than yours, they keep you safe from ever skyrocketing insurance rates
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So now we got those out of the way, lets begin on why I shake and shutter each and every time I have to drive to work. This may also go a long way to explaining why no one should approach me within an hour of getting to work. I'll be sure to share this with coworkers.
NOTE: I believe all of this anger comes from my view that everyone in the world would want to do the right thing given the chance. I could never have been more wrong.
- Backing up on the highway
Have you ever seen these people? Reverse lights have no place on America’s circulatory system; its just plain stupid. These people miss their exit, pull into the breakdown lane and throw the car in reverse as if to say "you hitting me at 70 isn’t enough, I want more." Granted these people are of the same gene pool of those Jon mentioned swerving across 4 lanes to get to their exit, they just happen to be a little slower mentally - if you can believe that’s actually possible. You know in the western part of the state where the next exit might be 30 miles away, this MIGHT be tolerated (within limits - you can only miss the exit by 200 feet) but we're talking about Route 128 here! You can see the next exit from the one you missed! What the ^$&# is the matter with you, you lazy piece of garbage?? Please, do us all a favor and go to the next exit, take the illegal U turn you know you want to make, don’t yield to the rotary traffic, make the left on red and get back on the highway. And pay attention this time! Jerk.
This next one actually breaks out into two issues I cant stand, but they need to be paired because its the selfish acts of these terrible drivers in one lane that create problems in the others. Jon already touched on one but it bears more press, so here it is.
- The "slow" lane
Passing in the far right lane bugs the crap out of me. Seriously, next time you’re driving out on the highway, put the newspaper down and look around, especially if you are coming down a hill - take your eyes off the bumper in front of you and look at the lay of traffic off in the distance. Which lane has the most cars in it? Don’t bother guessing (you’ll fail anyway); its the fast lane. The far left lane is supposed to be for passing only, so how it that there are more cars in it, then there is to pass? I'll tell you how. Yes the Speedkeepers up front that are partially to blame, since those idiots obviously don’t recall that the lane is for passing only, but you know who else makes this a problem? Its all those impatient pricks in the back who have to do 95mph everywhere, who jump over to the far right lane to continue their blatant disregard for safety, only to move back into the high speed lane 5 cars up to do 65 again like the rest of. It’s because of those drivers no one can move. They clog up the lanes until there is no safe distance to squeeze in anywhere. And if no one can maneuver, then how is the highway supposed to right itself? It can’t, and the cycle continues where the most dangerous lane, is supposed to be the slowest on the highway. It they only gave Grandma at the head of the line a chance to move safely into the middle lane again, we might actually get somewhere. Lest you believe this only happens in traffic, try it on your next Sunday morning drive. At least in traffic I can kind of understand it but many times when cruising in the middle lane with no one no one around, many drivers still choose to pass me on the right going 15 mph over my already 15mph over the limit. Just goes to show you how little they actually know, care, or think about the rules. Scary, isn’t it? How do you think they handle 4 ways stops and rotaries if they can’t get this basic rule down?
- Cell phones -
I’m not one to actually encourage government legislation, (stupid seatbelt law is the epitome of what is wrong with this society!!!) but will definitely vote a big fat YES if someone puts it on the ballot to ban cell phones while driving. You’d think the same if you heard a recent teen tell you she’s "bored" when she drives so she calls people. Good god. And don’t even think about telling me that others things in the car are equally distracting either, because they aren’t. Nothing else besides a child requires you to listen, comprehend, think, and formulate a response more than a cell phone does. And with only 5 operating brain cells, these drivers need all of them to keep from veering over to the next lane unannounced. They simply cannot deal with the distraction the phone creates. The government needs to step in and do something, and because we can’t ban children (how cool would that be?) I’m all for the government telling us that cell phones usage is illegal when driving. I've had more close calls in these recent years since cell phones have exploded on the market, than I did before they were able to show video, calculate your taxes, text Suzy about gym class, and massage your back. These things are almost worse than the drivers themselves! This is reason number 1 I want make your phone number, your license plate number. This way I can call to tell you to hang up the phone and drive! (as illegal as I’m hoping that will be!)
- Winter driving
Boston gets about 42 inches of snowfall a year. Suburbs more. Yet for some inexplicable reason, drivers here seems to drive as if they never grew up in NE, never saw snow, and for the first time in their life have experienced the winter season. They drive 15 miles per hour under the speed limit even though visibility is fine, and the roads are just wet. What gives? Are you trying to really see if the two snowflakes are alike? Tell you what, go take some probability courses (I'll even pay for it) and get off the road. Not only will you realize that a snowflake is statistically impossible to look like another in your general vicinity, but you may also learn that you cut peoples odds of living in half when you drive like that. Please move to California as soon as possible.
- SUVs doing 90mph
What is it with these SUVs on the road doing 90+ MPH? My trek to work is 65 miles in one direction and its got considerably less traffic than my old route. The problem here is I deal with the other extreme of driver than what my old route was full of. These CRAFTSMAN Truck Series wannabes, driving these behemoth Street Sweepers (Avalanches, Escalades, Tahoes, F250s etc) who get 16 mph under the most optimal of conditions, are racing past me (already doing 80 in a 65!) @90+ MPH. Seriously Smokey, where’s the fire? It'll be you rolled over in the median in about 4 miles if you keep it up! Is 80 in a 65 not enough? Are you that much less of a man that you have to be the one going the fastest on the highway? Sure looks that way from my angle.
Sadly, when this happens I know that another person who failed physics and economics has just gone whistling by. They will only realize the hard way that these stupid things cant panic stop for anything and that the company that put the brakes on those things cared more about saving money than they do the safety of the idiot that bought their vehicle. I just hope they don’t kill anyone one as part of their learning curve. . F=ma. Learn it, morons. (I do get a perverse pleasure out of seeing these jerks in the ditch in the wintertime though - 4x4 or not, they can’t stop on ice. Seems logical I know, but some still fail to grasp the whole ice concept.) Imbeciles. I won’t even dial the police for them.
- Breakdown lane travelers after hours
Around here to alleviate some traffic congestion, Mass Highway decided it a good idea to allow breakdown lane travel during certain peak periods of the day. I was opposed to the idea at first, since we have enough problems trying to merge already, but I can say with certainly that if 128 didn’t have it, I'd still be sitting in traffic today. As such, I have grown to love it. However, even though I’m an aggressive driver, I'm not one to blatantly take advantage of rule to better my own goals. Breakdown lane shuts down @ 7pm, I’m out of it @ 7pm.Not one minute before, and not one minute after. Even though I’m in traffic and I can see my exit from where I sit, I refuse to jump in the lane early to get to where I want to be. You know why? Because its dangerous, that’s why. I'll even go so far as to block the lane to not allow those pricks who obviously can’t tell time from getting through. Seriously, all they do is slow the rest of use down because eventually they are going to want to merge back in (because they never wanted to get off the highway in the first place) or they'll keep someone up ahead form getting out of line to take their exit, because they are going 45MPH faster than the rest of us. And when they clog that lane up, we're all gridlocked with no place to go. Good thinking and nice job Breakdown Boneheads - way to think ahead and plan. These people have an intelligence quotient of less than 25, and briefly makes me wish the death penalty should be instated for such things. Where are the cops when you need them?
In summary...
Do you realize if we all followed the rules, this highway system might actually work? The problem is that no one thinks the rules apply to them, or they simply never knew the rules to begin with. We are all in sad need of an education on the rules of the road for sure - I can fill a classroom every day with the people I see. Perhaps all of this is what makes me so bitter - I follow the rules and get truly bent out of shape when others do not. I mean, I take driving very seriously, yet others seem to think its a given right for them and don’t really care what happens when they are behind the wheel. Where do they get off and why do they think they are so much better than the rest of us? Do they not have the ability to understand and take responsibility for their own actions? No, they just know if they keep it up, they can blame someone else for their own inadequacies, which usually happens after they kill/maim someone and lose their license. And its here where I say driving and the actions of these proletariats come back to epitomizing today’s society.... I follow the rules and get burned. I’m sitting in traffic longer and I’m angrier than then those that skated on by in the breakdown lane getting to where they want to go. Here I am wasting time, energy and money waiting for something to happen. Call me middle class, and look at traffic like my mortgage. I knew I couldn’t afford the ridiculous number the mortgage brokers told me I could when I bought a home, but where does that get me? Sitting in traffic with all the other schleps trying to do the right thing. My taxes are now going to all those jerks who couldn’t make that distinction and end up cruising down in the breakdown lane after 7 to their destination because the government paid for their trip. Where are they now? In front of me, and still doing 85 in an SUV getting 6 mph and driving the cost of oil up further because they don’t think there is anything they can do about it, that’s where.
On a lighter note, I also want to give a shout out to all those non signal using, red light running, gotta be first in line sleeping at the green light, on and off the gas, drunk ass, suspended licensed, driving in the wrong lane to go straight, cant parallel park, stopping in crosswalks type of drivers. Without you guys I might experience happiness on a daily basis, and would then probably have nothing to write about except flowers and cats.
Mark I think you need your own blog...its cathartic...
ReplyDeleteI'll take that as a compliment Nikki (as soon as I found the meaning for carthartic that said "emotionally purging" versus the one that mentioned bowels and laxatives), but no thanks. Another thing to stress out about? Not for me...Im too close to the edge already. I don't think Id be able to deal with the negative comments Id get all the time.
ReplyDelete