Booze

I discovered the pleasing and nutritional effects of alcohol at a fairly old age - 18 (shhhh...don't tell my dad, he might try a retroactive citizens arrest. Or a real arrest. Not sure if he still has that authority).

While I consumed a drink or two back in the day, the first time I experienced intoxication was in January 1993 - it was the first night back at school following Christmas break. I was a freshman about to start my 2nd collegiate semester. Yes, you read correctly - I spent the first three months of my adult life at one of the country's biggest party schools, and did not once get drunk. In fact, now that I am staring at these words, I feel so pathetic that I can't even come up with a snappy one liner.

Anyway, I somehow ended up at a random gathering in another dorm. And somehow I ended up consuming 13 Busch Lights. The fact that it is possible for a person who has never before gotten drunk to consume 13 Busch Lights ought to tell you a little something about the potency of Busch Light, but I digress. At the end of the night, I somehow stumbled back to my room, although if you have ever seen someone spin their body around the end of a baseball bat and then race down a field, you can get a fair idea of what I mean by "stumbled." Amazingly, I somehow did not get sick.

But I did spend the next 5 days hungover.

I'm not kidding. The party was on Sunday night and I was supremely hung (oh yes, a double entendre) until lunchtime on Friday. I may have consumed a total of 600 calories that entire week, which proves two things. First, I am not a smart man. Second, there may be money to be made by designing a weight loss regimen around really bad beer.

Like most everyone, I have done some pretty dumb things as a result of alcohol, many of which can be found here. Now that I am a responsible adult - albeit one with very few actual adult responsibilities (praise Jesus!) - it is extremely rare for me to drink enough to fully inebriate myself because the negative sensations associated with hangovers far outweigh the positive feelings associated with getting drunk. This is mostly because I have the pain tolerance of France. It just isn't worth it.

Today, I actually imbibe more than ever before, but at a reduced volume. There is something about coming home after a long day, having a drink and relaxing. One drink. Good enough for me.

Interestingly, while most people enjoy a wide variety of cocktails, for me it is either beer, wine or whiskey. Maybe it is because I have always been somewhat hesitant to try new things. Or maybe it's because I don't feel like taking out a loan to afford the gimme-all-your-moneytini at the lounge-of-the-month. I am a bit curious, however. Do other people have as limited a palate for drinks as I do? Or is it common to have a few favorites and stick with what you know?

Fun fact: During my fairly frequent trips to the Holy Land, my alcohol consumption is nill. Why you ask? How could I possible resist free booze, which is readily available in a variety of forms at a casino? Easy.

First, the booze isn't free - you have to be gambling in order to get it, and given that the majority of people play games where the odds favor the house, that "free" drink can actually cost you a few hundred dollars.

Second, as much as I love Sin City as a vacation destination, my time there is a business trip. I am there to make money and remaining sober - thus increasing the small chance that I actually play smartly - is typically more successful than getting plastered. Go figure.

And while you may be tempted to have me examined by a mental health professional for not drinking when in Vegas, just remember: you can't fight genetics.

Things we need... (Part I)

"Your blog has been resurrected. Just like Jesus." - The Reverend Jennifer Barrett-Siegal

It's worth noting that before I could ask my wife whether we should adopt national holidays to celebrate my blog's birthday, death and subsequent rebirth, I fell asleep.

From time to time I tap the infinite wisdom of my mind and make a discovery so startling and beneficial to humankind, that I must share it in hopes that someone will make it a reality (and pay me royalties). Today is the first of perhaps a never-ending series of blog entries on such realizations. Or perhaps today will be the only entry. When you're as odd as I am, one never knows.

Anywho...how many times have you innocently entered a restroom, cheerful as the day is long, until you are overcome by the most eye-watering, gut-wrenching, near-gagging stench that was left by a recent occupant? This is no ordinary smell, but the remnants produced only by combining subpar Mexican food with 4 too many Golden Anniversaries (editors note: if you don't know what a Golden Anniversary is, you've never gone to college). It's the type of stench that stays with you, in the inner recesses of your mind, haunting you as you sleep, nagging you whenever you realize that a trip to the John is in your future.

Happens to all of us - mostly at work, but sometimes in a public restroom and if you host a party, occasionally your own home. Or, if you are part of my Vegas trips with the guys, it happens on a daily basis. I don't know how much hotel maids make in Vegas, but the poor soul who tidies up after us deserves a raise. And sainthood.

What is the solution to this national nightmare of foulness? My friends, I bring you the future: the Bathroom Foul Odor Illumination System - soon to be known everywhere as the BFOIS (I tried for a long time to come up with an acronym for SHIT - just couldn't do it). The BFOIS is a device that very much resembles a traffic light (ok, it is a traffic light), which is hung on the wall outside the restroom, and connected to a smell-o-meter inside a restroom.

Under normal conditions, the light will be green indicating all is clear and you are ready for a most enjoyable waste removal experience. Should you happen to approach when the bathroom is under less than ideal conditions, the light will be yellow, which will serve as a warning to either slow down or hold your breath. However, if you need to use the toilet and the light is red, entering means taking your life (and the contents of your stomach) into your own hands, knowing that if you proceed, you may be walking into an area where no amount of breath-holding will protect you from the rancid oxygen molecules that are waiting to invade every pore and orifice of your body.

While the BFOIS serves as a warning for prospective restroom occupants, it can also serve as truth-serum for those whose bodily functions are responsible for a red light. How unfortunate would it be too enter a green-lit bathroom with a line of people waiting behind you, only to exit under the devilish glow of red?

With the BFOIS, never again will you have to set foot in the lav, hoping that the air is fresh and the sun is shining. Instead, you will have the information necessary to make an informed excrement decision. You will be happier. Your friends and family will be happier. The economy will be happier.

Chuckle if you wish, mock if you must. But we'll see who is holding their breath on visits to the potty today.

Anyone seen the 24 inch pythons?

A few months ago, I was saddened to learn of the passing of the great Conrad Efraim. You may remember him as the great Special Delivery Jones, one of the all-time mediocre wrestlers in WWF history.

Yep, you have stumbled upon a post about wrestling. Reports that I can come up with nothing else to blog about are untrue. However, on a recent flight, I caught a few minutes of what passes as wrestling these days. Not sure what channel I was watching, but it could easily have aired on Skinemax. The actual wrestling - which comprised about 25% of the program - was secondary to a hefty dose of "T+A."

Within a few minutes, I had not only changed the channel, but started to think back to the glory days of the WWF - the 1980s. I was just a kid, but I was a big-time fan, along with a lot of other people. In fact, despite the fact that the entire product was fake, the WWF was a strong part of the national sporting culture. Don't believe me? Check this out. Hell, in 1987, nearly 100,000 people attended WrestleMania III."

My dad got me into wrestling in the early 80s. Unlike other 7 year olds who were watching SuperFriends or pining for Smurfette (what a slut), I'd watch the Saturday morning wrestling shows with the old man. For a long time, the WWF used to have monthly events at the old Boston Garden and my Dad and I would go to at least three-quarters of them every year. It was cheap, action-packed, a lot of fun and perhaps most importantly, something that the entire family could watch.

The superstars of the time are well known, including The "Hulkster," he of the 24-inch pythons (biceps), "Rowdy" Roddy Piper (Hulk's archenemy for much of the 80's) , Andre the Giant, "Macho Man" Randy Savage and Ricky "the Dragon" Steamboat. For those of you still reading (anyone?), Macho Man Savage and Ricky Steamboat squared off in what is widely considered the best match of all time, in the aforementioned WrestleMania III. Even though the outcome of the match was pre-determined, the match itself was 20 minutes of non-stop, over-the-top, truly impressive athletic action.

In the glory days, the WWF created PG-rated personas with storylines that can best be labeled as absurd. Notable "tier 2" wrestlers include the Elvis impersonator known as the Honky Tonk Man, George "The Animal" Steele (who, when not eating turnbuckles, was also a high school gym teacher), Koko B. Ware (always accompanied by his maccaw Frankie), the recently-deceased Junkyard Dog and the "tag-team" champions of the era, the British Bulldogs.

And then there were personalities such as Special Delivery Jones, whom calling "mediocre" is like calling Dick Cheney slightly grumpy. Truth is, he was one of the numerous whipping boys that the WWF trotted out to get their tuchus stomped on by the superstars at the time. There was literally dozens of these "jobbers" as they were known in the industry, but "SD" Jones was among the more established ones. Others include Iron Mike Sharpe, (who was named after Iron Mike Tyson. Notice the resemblance?) The appropriately named Mr. X, - who wore a mask and was always introduced as being from "parts unknown." And my all-time favorite jobber, Pete Doherty, otherwise known as the Duke of Dorchester. Doherty was a local who worked full-time at the Quincy Shipyard and several times a year, would be paid a few hundred bucks to spend 5 minutes getting wailed on when the WWF was in town. Rumor has it that Doherty would get loaded before the match so he wouldn't feel as much pain.

See what I mean about this being mostly absurd?

Perhaps my favorite character ever was "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase. His mantra was that "everyone has a price," so he would inevitably buy whatever he wanted. Baring that, he would use money as a lure to embarrass others. Which leads into my favorite WWF-segment:



Wrestling may be fake, but take a look at that little kid's reaction - something tells me this wasn't pre-determined (although I am sure someone paid him after the cameras stopped rolling). Classic. I loved it. It truly was the glory days.

Today, the WWF is still popular - 75,000 were in attendance for last year's WrestleMania and more than 1 million people watched it on pay-per-view. However, much like everything else in this world, the focus shifted from family-friendly to raunchy. And at the risk of coming across as an old-geezer, some things were just better in the old days.

Learning to Fly

I've spent much of the past 2 weeks traveling: Seattle and Phoenix for work and down to visit Pops in Florida this past weekend. My journeys have reinforced 2 longstanding beliefs: First,that I still love to fly. Not sure why, but the whole concept of getting on an 8-ton airplane and hurtling through the air at 550 mph is pretty cool.

Back in the days when my bladder wasn't the size of a Raisinet, I would sit in the window seat and spend an inordinate amount of time staring out the window. When I fly United, I spend the entire flight on Channel 9, listening to the cockpit-to-air traffic control communication. Hell, I don't even mind the normal hustle and bustle of an airport.

Second, there are an inexplicably large number of stupid people in this world, and it seems like most of them are conveniently booked on my flights.

The prevailing wisdom is that flying is a hassle at best and downright torturous when things go wrong. Why? Well, it's not the weather or the fact that every seat is taken. It's because other people ruin the experience. Want examples? Well, go figure...I was just about to provide some.

Here's a typical trip:

1) You arrive at the airport and check-in. Thanks to the self-serve kiosks, this is usually quick and painless. Unless, of course, you happen to be taking an airline where there is a line to use the kiosks. Because in this scenario, you will inevitably be stuck behind at least 4 people who, while at the front of the line, are not intelligent enough to march over to one of the 5 open kiosks. Nope, they are waiting for the $7-per hour airline employee to give them the OK. Why? Not sure. Maybe they have mommy issues. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 7 (out of 10).

2) After wasting an extra 10 minutes at the kiosks, you head over to security. Keep in mind, it's been more than 7 years since 9/11 and the dumbass would-be shoe bomber who couldn't be bothered to blow himself (and the plane) up in privacy. Nope, he had to try to light the fuse while sitting in his seat. Thankfully, he failed. In addition, travelers have not been allowed to bring liquids through security in containers bigger than 3 ounces for several years. So what happens on a typical trip? You get behind a family (with several small kids) that pays no attention to the designated family lane and chooses the "frequent travelers/intelligent people/we-know-what-we're-doing lane." In front of this family is the woman who doesn't realize she has to take off her shoes AND her jacket and in front of her is the college student with the headphones who couldn't be bothered to empty the coins out of his pocket. Apparently, metal detectors 101 is offered as a pass/fail, so extra studying is not required. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 8.

3) You get to the gate at 12:15 for a flight that is scheduled to leave at 1. No plane. 12:30: no plane. 12:45: no plane. Given that it takes at least 15 minutes for passengers to disembark, 10 minutes for the workers to pick up the scraps and another 25 minutes for the next set of passengers to board, one would think that the ever-alert gate agent might want to make some type of announcement to quell the growing line of people who are wondering just how long a delay they are facing. However, one would be wrong. I've been on several flights where the plane hadn't yet arrived by the departure time. Giving people a head's up is not just good customer service, it's common sense and common courtesy. No surprise then, that it often does not happen. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 9.

4) Boarding time. The gate agent doesn't so much as get three words out and half the people at the gate head over so they can be first on board when their row or group number is called (it's all about the overhead space). However, rather than maintain some semblance of order and prevent people from boarding out of turn, our intrepid gate agent lets anyone and everyone go through. Chaos ensues. Jon gets mad. On our honeymoon, the flight out of Boston was a 747 (400+ people). The gate agent made one announcement for first class. And then proceeded not to make another. A 400 person free-for-all. Good times. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 9.

5) You're in your seat waiting to taxi out, but the dilweed in the window seat needs to grab something from his bag in the overhead. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 5.

6) And then he does it again. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 10.

7) Time for the announcements. Of course, you inevitably end up with a flight attendant who a) has a ridiculously heavy accent; b) speaks very softly; and/or c) constantly flubs the instructions. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 7.

8) Unless you happened to be on the Boston-West Palm Beach flight I was on last Friday (also known as the Jewish Shuttle) and you had a flight attendant that took her job a little too seriously. For instance, if 1 millimeter of your bag was not completely under the seat in front of you, she would remind you that it's a FEDERAL REGULATION! that your bag fit COMPLETELY under the seat. A good 10-15 minutes after we took off, an older gentlemen got up to use the bathroom. This flight attendant stopped him just before he was about to open the door and reminded him that if he went in there, he was putting himself at risk for possible injury because it's a FEDERAL REGULATION! that he be in his seat until the seat belt sign was turned off. The poor old guy was so spooked he went back to his seat. Hope he didn't pee himself. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 10.

9) And then there was the return flight home on Monday. The flight attendant making the announcements had an interesting personality quirk. She could not shut up. In between and following the safety announcements were several minutes of her making small talk, cracking jokes, letting the flight know that she was single (no kidding), etc. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 10.

10) Doing this on JetBlue, when I am trying to watch TV. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 15.

11) Female pilots (who probably don't use their turn signal). ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 3.

12) Finally, you've landed at your destination. Time to get off the plane. Except that it takes 30 minutes because half the people in front of you wait until the aisle in front of them is completely clear - and it's their turn to get off the plane - before getting up and spending 45 seconds trying to free their bag from the evil clutches of the overhead compartment. ANNOYANCE FACTOR: 8.

I could come up with a few more, but because the vast majority of my three-known readers are now catatonic, I will refrain. One would think that a little bit of common sense would alleviate many of these issues, but alas, that is wishful thinking. Maybe Obama can wave his magic wand and make all these problems go away. After he fixes the economy and facilitates world peace, of course.

25 Random Things...

On June 15 of last year, I blogged about wanting to blog more frequently. I then proceeded to add 3 more posts in the next 6 weeks and was never heard from again. Coincidence?

Anyway, now that we're all about change these days...and with football just about over, well, I'm back, baby!

Insert silence here...

The big fad making its way around Facebook these days is to come up with 25 random things about yourself. Not sure if these are supposed to be things that most people don't know about you, or if it's more a collection of, well, random and useless factoids. I am going with the useless route, which makes me eminently qualified to come up with a list of my own. Sure, I could do this on Facebook and "tag" 25 people, but nobody likes to be tagged (well, sometimes it's OK) and besides, I needed something to write about for this blog post. It was either 25 random things or a 7,000 word diatribe on how the country is on a steady path towards socialism, and given all of the Obama-worship, I am safer staying away from that topic....comrade.

And away we go...

1) I started losing my hair while in high school and decided to go bald at age 24.

2) Had I known how much better I would look without hair, I would have started shaving when I was 10.

3) My first dream job? School bus driver.

4) I absolutely hate to write....and yet I chose a career that calls for a fair amount of writing.

5) My fashion sense can best be described as "casual meets I-don't-care."

6) A sizable portion of my close friends were not met in high school or college, but during an 8 year career at Burger King.

7) Yes, Burger King. Yes, 8 years.

8) I've visited Las Vegas approximately 20 times, and it has snowed during 10% of my visits. I am pretty certain there are many locals who can't say they've seen 2 snowstorms in the desert.

9) I once defaced my own (former) car with an SOS pad.

10) My newest favorite channel on XM is CineMagic - it plays movie soundtracks.

11) I am alternately amused and annoyed at the naivete of those who believe that "change" means electing a President who has almost no real power, and then re-electing those in Congress who do have power...and who helped get us into this mess in the first place.

12) I own 13 hats and hardly ever wear them.

13) I used to be an excellent candlepin bowler when I was a kid. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've bowled since I was 18...although lately I've been thinking of maybe getting back into the swing of things.

14) I once almost got arrested for public urination...and providing a fake ID to the cop who caught me.

15) Call me a geek, but I am looking forward to the new Star Trek movie.

16) I don't cry - not at sad movies, TV shows, deaths of people I know, etc. However, if/when anything ever happens to my dog, there won't be enough Kleenex...

17) When I was 10, I had some tummy issues and at one point, was banned from eating any dairy-related product for a month. It is a lot harder than it sounds.

18) I've never picked up a woman in a bar.

19) I can read extremely fast. When I was in my late teens, I would buy a book in the morning, read it, and return it later that day.

20) It is hard to imagine my life getting any better, yet I always find something to gripe about.

21) My suggestion for those into gluttony - the kitchen table at Buca di Beppo.

22) I HATE inconsiderate people, detest political correctness and am not all that enamored with Democrats.

23) I want to retire in Lake Tahoe.

24) One of my all-time biggest blunders - offering to pick up a good friend (and roommate at the time) whose car had just died....if he wouldn't mind waiting until after the Pats game.

25) Yes, I still read. And so should you.