To my wife (Part III)...

Hi honey - Remember that time you got really sick with that ridiculously rare neurological disorder and I flew home from to Vegas to be with you?

I flew home. From Vegas. You know, that place about 2,500 miles southwest of here with lots of lights that I happen to like? To be with you.

If that doesn't demonstrate my love for you, nothing will.

Happy anniversary. I love you.

All Hail The Spork!

If you've ever had the good fortune of walking into a KFC, three things probably come to mind. First, there is a 50/50 chance that by the time you finish your meal, you will have dropped dead of a coronary (at least you'll die happy). Second, the odds are less than 50/50 that you will make it home before the Colonel's 11 secret herbs and spices give your intestines the cleansing of a lifetime. And C, you'll get to use a spork, perhaps mankind's most wondrous invention (just ahead of the Awesome Auger).

Ah, the spork. You think about it and you laugh. You say the word out loud and you laugh. But the joke is on you, my friend. I don't believe in much, but I have recently - as in today - come to the realization that the spork will one day save our planet.

First, a history lesson: The spork was patented by Mr. Samuel W. Francis of Newport, R.I. in 1874, although the word "spork" was not widely used until the early 1900's. Also of historical note is that for more than 100 years, nobody has taken the spork seriously (that is according to me).

And until 2003, I was a non-believer as well. And then I met my wife. Now sure, some of you might think I married Jenn because she is pretty, intelligent, can cook and is the only woman in the eastern time zone not to dump me. But you'd be wrong. When I met Jenn in 2003, she was living in a lovely slum in Cambridge with a couple of nice fellas. The kitchen was small, dirty and had ancient appliances. But the utensil drawer was stocked with sporks. Not only was it love at first bite (yeah, I went there), but it marked the beginning of my own personal greenification.

Which brings me to my point. Or something resembling a point. Have you noticed that it's all about conservation these days? Green this, green that. Something about carbon footprints. Not to mention our attempt to put those nice Arab folks out of business by trying to wean ourselves off their oil. But, if society is really about saving the planet, then why the hell are we manufacturing both forks and spoons? How many billions of dollars must be wasted on this redundancy? How many stainless steel and/or silver trees must die in order to feed the world's greed?

Make no mistake, the future is sporks. Consider KFC. Do you think coming up with new ways to kill their customers is cheap? Hardly. Research and development requires a multimillion dollar investment every year and because Colonel Sanders had the foresight and vision to stock his restaurants with sporks, more money could be allocated to the truly important things - like getting their gullible and increasingly obese customer base to shell out big bucks for this:

I know, genius. Now forget for a moment that the sporks at KFC aren't even sturdy enough to scoop mashed potatoes. They thought outside the box and are a better company for it. Beyond that, why haven't airlines embraced the spork? Back in the 1990s, American Airlines decided to eliminate one olive from their in-flight salads and by doing so, they saved a few hundred thousand dollars per year. Today, the airline industry collectively loses about a bajillion dollars a month. If they went the way of the spork, maybe they wouldn't have to charge passengers for the right to yawn.

How about schools? Thanks to an impressive run of sustained incompetence, every town in America is broke. Why are the schools wasting good money on silverware, especially with the slop that the cafeteria usually produces? Buy sporks and save a teacher's job.

I could go on, but I bet you wish I wouldn't. So spread the word far and wide. After nearly 140 years, the spork has arrived.

I suggest you enjoy them now before the government decides to tackle spork reform.

In Defense of Hockey

There are a lot of things that mystify me in this world. For example:

1) Highway drivers who maintain a speed of 40 mph in the left lane
2) Religious extremists who believe that committing mass murder will pave the way to heaven
3) Democrats who spend money that they don't have...and then keep spending
4) Just what exactly my wife sees in me

And then there's this: why is hockey so relatively unpopular in the United States?

Hockey is by far the most exciting sport to watch from start to finish; it is faster paced than any other game; features as much hitting (probably more) than football; has more suspenseful, edge-of-your-seat moments than any other game; and is the the epitome of a team sport.

And yet it is a distant fourth among the four major sports.

Compare hockey to:

• Football: Who doesn't love football? It has taken it's rightful place as our new national pastime (I hear Detroit may even get a team one day) but of the 60 minutes of game time, there is maybe 10 minutes of actual action. Each play lasts only a handful of seconds and after it is completed, the teams take a 30-45 second break.
  

• Basketball: Lots to like about basketball, but the structure of the game makes it way too easy for players to mail it in (see Wallace, Rasheed; 2010). And lets be honest, the NBA has become playground ball. 4 players stand around while the "star" either drives the lane (1 on 4) or takes a ridiculous shot from 20 feet away. More importantly, any contact is deemed a foul which severely impedes the flow of the game. On top of that, NBA officiating...well, it's really bad. And everyone knows it. With the possible exception of the guy that runs the league.

• Baseball: The best thing baseball has going for it is that it's played in warm weather. Oh, and 130 years of history. But mostly the weather.

The media will have you believe that hockey suffers because it is an expensive, niche sport played in cold weather climates. But hold on for a second...does it really matter if you as a fan actually played when you were younger? How many people played football growing up? And conversely, didn't everyone play soccer when they were a kid? Hell, only rich people play golf and that sport pulls in huge ratings on TV.

And as much as I would like to blame the media, I can't. ESPN aired hockey several nights per week for nearly 20 years and the ratings were anemic. First FOX and now NBC airs weekend Games of the Week and yet few people watch. What people do watch are the Olympics, which is hockey played at its best. The ratings for Olympic hockey, especially when the U.S. makes a deep run, are off the charts. But when the Olympics are over, there is virtually no carryover to the NHL. Of course, every 4 years I think that Ski Jumping will become our new national pastime, but not to be.

Goes without saying that the average NHL regular season game can't hold a candle to the Olympics. But the same holds true for any sport. And of the four major sports, even the hockey-shy media will acknowledge that the NHL playoffs are the best in the land. Every year, a decent number of games go into 2, 3 and even 4 overtimes...all of which are sudden death. Hell, most of regulation time is played as if it were sudden death.

So to any non hockey fan reading this, I issue this challenge. Turn on a playoff hockey game over the next 7 days and watch just one period. Just one. If that does not rope you in, then fine. You are a lost cause and clearly have no hope to contribute to humanity.

You know, the same humanity that would much rather watch cars driving in circles.

The Arrogance of Massachusetts Democrats

Within the last couple of weeks, I've been told that through my status updates on Facebook, I've insulted the voters of Massachusetts and gloated in the aftermath of the Scott Brown Senate victory. I'm too negative - that if I really want to make my point, calling people "lemmings" is not the way to do it. I should focus on communicating my point of view, rather than kicking people while they are down.

Arighty then. Here goes:

I am registered as unenrolled, but characterize myself as fiscally conservative and socially moderate. Because fiscal issues are the most important to me, I tend to vote Republican. I find the Democrats' "tax and spend" philosophy to be absurd. Now, consider these facts:

• There has not been a Republican U.S. Senator from Massachusetts in 31 years.
• There has not been a Republican in the U.S. House of Representatives from Massachusetts in 14 years. There were two from 1993-1997. Before that, the most recent one was in 1983.
• The Massachusetts legislature has been controlled by the Democrats for more than 40 years (and probably longer...I can't find the exact date online)
  
• While there have been Republican governors in Massachusetts recently, they all faced a legislature where Democrats held a supermajority, meaning little to no chance of advancing their agenda.

Being anything other than Democrat in Massachusetts has meant that your voice has been irrelevant for decades. For myself, it has been this way for the duration of my voting life. For many more, it goes back much longer. When I vote in the Presidential election, I know that from an electoral standpoint, my vote is meaningless. However, I vote to exercise my constitutional right and to honor those that have died to provide democracy.

Pragmatically, I just don't get how/why Massachusetts is so blindly Democratic, especially on the state level. Whether you want to admit it or not, this state is a mess and a national political laughingstock (at least until last week).

One Speaker of the House after another resigns in shame; taxes continue to go up and numerous state agencies demonstrate their incompetence on a daily basis. And yet, Democrats continue to get elected.

Only Louisiana and Illinois rival Massachusetts for the level of corruption by our politicians. And yet, Democrats continue to get elected.

The will of the people through binding referendums (sales tax, tolls,death penalty, etc.) are ignored and dismissed by the state legislature. And yet, Democrats continue to get elected.

This state is broken. There is nobody out there - even Democrats - who will argue otherwise. And yet, Democrats continue to get elected.

And you wonder why I refer to people as lemmings.

But I get it. People vote along party lines. Democrats blindly vote from Democrats. And to be fair, Republicans do the same. But when you are in Massachusetts, voting for Republican is not a mindless activity...it is a vote for change. It is a plea for something different. Another direction.

Because after a while, when one group of people just aren't getting the job done, you usually give the other guys a chance. Except in Massachusetts.

To be sure, this has happened on the national level. And I am completely OK with it. The Republicans deserved their ass-kicking in 2008. People wanted to give the other guys a chance. Hell, even I almost voted for Obama. I didn't, but I thought long and hard about it - not because I believed in his policies - I don't - but because a new voice was needed.

Which takes us back to last week. The prevailing theory is that Martha Coakley's loss wasn't necessarily about her, but about the dissatisfaction with Obama's agenda. I am sure part of that is true. If you ask me, Obama and the Democrats screwed up - they took on too much too soon. The focus in the first year or two should have been on the economy, not advocating for a trillion dollar health care package with no discernible benefits to the average consumer. They needed to prove to the public that they could fix problems, not create them. And so far, they failed.

But let's not forget that after the primaries, Coakley had a 30 point lead over Brown. That lead was still in the double digits by Christmas. And here is where I finally get to make my point. I believe that political arrogance played a large role in Coakley's defeat. Put simply, she and her campaign team took the voters for granted. "Hey, I am a Democrat, Teddy was a democrat, Massachusetts is a blue state...therefore, I have this one in the bag."

So while Brown was out there campaigning nonstop, doing all of the right things, Coakley was in the Caribbean catching some rays. She famously scoffed at the notion of shaking hands outside of Fenway Park on New Year's Day before the Bruins game because it was too cold. Less than two weeks before the election, instead of pressing the flesh, she was in DC meeting with lobbyists. And then, when it was apparent she was in real trouble, the negative ads started. And they kept going. And then Clinton came to town. And then Obama. Where were they in November and December?

I think this arrogance was the tipping point. Voter anger with Washington had been building, but I believe it was this sense of entitlement on behalf of the Democrats that finally moved the needle. After decades and decades of being taken for granted, the voters had enough. The same towns that carried Obama in a landslide were voting for Brown by a rate of 2-to-1.

And when it was over, I was pleased that the people of this state finally grew a pair. By the time I got home on election night, the race had been decided. I was in a good mood. Finally Massachusetts allowed a different voice to be heard. Who knows, maybe there is hope after all...

And then I checked Facebook. Here is a sampling of what I saw:

"Teddy must be rolling over in his grave."
"I am ashamed of my state."
"What is wrong with you people?"

I realized that this arrogance wasn't confined just to Coakley and her team. Nope, many diehard Dems also felt slighted by the outcome. They also believed that it was divine right that Coakley would win. That the Democrats would win.

Forget about change. Disregard the fact that, in just one year, the Dems have squandered 8 years worth of goodwill. Ignore the fact that there simply is no money to pay for what Obama wants to do.

And to these people, I ask: "What will it take?" Your arrogance and sense of entitlement is indeed appalling. I am man enough to admit that the GOP deserved their beating 15 months ago. I am man enough to admit that George Bush made mistake upon mistake. I am man enough to admit that the Republicans completely lost touch with the people.

When will you do the same? Especially in Massachusetts?

I am not calling out every single Democrat. Some sensible ones have acknowledged that Coakley lost because she ran a terrible campaign and Brown ran a very good one. To these folks, of course I agree.

Of course, Republicans are just as capable of screwing up a state as Democrats. Political scandals and corruption are not confined to one party. But, the fact remains that Massachusetts is controlled by the Dems and as such, they need to bear responsibility for the mess our state is in.

Someone marginally smarter than I made a good point when he told me that all politics are local. The Republicans have failed in this state because they haven't made the commitment. Make a name for yourself on the board of selectman or the school committee...and then try and move up. Don't come out of nowhere and expect people to vote for you. This person is right. Maybe last week's election result will give the state GOP party the kick in the pants it needs to start on a grassroots level and grow from there.

But either way, I'm hoping that the voters in this state will lose their sense of entitlement and look around. Instead of simply looking for the D on the ballot, take stock of what is happening on Beacon Hill...and think about giving the other guys a chance.

Tailgating

Tomorrow marks Week 4 of my 16th season as a New England Patriots season ticket holder. By my very rough calculations - using a bean bag, silly putty and an abacus - I have attended approximately 130 or so games.

Being a season ticket holder to an NFL team is a pretty neat experience. Unlike folks who watch the games on TV, season ticket holders have a unique and close relationship with their team. After all, we don't just invest money for tickets, we invest time to attend the games and energy to cheer. For those who tailgate, the time and monetary commitment are even higher. Although I root for all of the Boston teams, the Patriots will always remain my priority because I am not just a fan, I am a participant in the experience. Boston will always be considered a Red Sox town, but I would suspect that many of the 68,000 fans who attend the Pats' games share my perspective.

My dad, who procured the tickets back in 1994 and went to the games until 2000, was not exactly the tailgate type. However, since he retired to The Place Where People Go to Die, Florida (zip code: 25, which is also the average driving speed on the highways), I take every opportunity to tailgate.

Why? Because going to a football game without tailgating is like being a vegetarian. Sure, you could do it, but why on earth would you want to? And if you are a vegetarian who tailgates, then please stop reading this and just go away. And take your tofu burgers. You disgust me.

While there are some obvious benefits to tailgating - such as bonding with pals while drinking beer and eating grilled meat - I have come to appreciate the hidden benefits. For instance, being outside in December for approximately 7.5 hours builds character, stamina and endurance. For the record, I am talking to you, Sox fans, who bitch and moan that it is "only" 55 degrees at the game in late September. Wimps. Try sitting - not moving around or exercising - but just sitting, in temps of 10-20 degrees all day. It does a body good. And keeps the outdoor sports stores in business.

Tailgating makes going to the game an all-day experience. For a 1 p.m. kickoff, I am usually out the door at 8 a.m. and pulling into the lot by 9. Eating and drinking quickly commences - usually about 5,000 calories worth - and lasts until around noon, when we pack up and head to the seats. On an average day, we are back in the car by 4:45 and I pull into my driveway by 6 p.m.

If you think tailgating is expensive, you would be mistaken. A decent beer inside the stadium is $10 (this is not a typo), hot dogs are $6 and popcorn is $5. So, if I had 3 beers, a dog and bag of popcorn, I'd spend $41. Most of my pre-game activities average about $50 or so, which buys a 12-pack of beer, a bunch of snacks, an "entree"," sides and a dessert...for two people.

So there you have it. As a Jew, I can't afford not to tailgate. Think of all the money I'd be wasting.

As much fun as tailgating is, the highlight of the day is always the actual game. To me, the worse the weather gets, the more I enjoy the game. I come across lots of folks who would much rather watch football on TV then in person. That is too bad. Watching at home or in a bar is warmer and more convenient (food, bathroom, etc.), but nothing beats being at the stadium.

Not only do I see many components of the game that don't show up on TV, but the energy of 68,000 lunatics, which can simultaneously boost the Pats and stress their opponent, is contagious. On opening night, when the Pats came back to beat the Bills, I can say with absolute certainty that my experience was twice as intense and emotionally fulfilling as someone who was watching from their couch.

Come 9 a.m. tomorrow, the ritual continues. I'll be sitting in my camping chair with a beer in hand, getting ready to fire up the grill. There will be meat in the cooler, snacks on the table and the smell of smoke wafting throughout the lot. And there will be no place I would rather be.

Except Vegas.

Shaved

I just discovered the most wonderful thing. It is a real computer, but it's small enough to be moved around. And, it doesn't always need to be plugged in or connected to a cable modem. In fact, right now, this computer is actually positioned on my lap. Wow. This is going to revolutionize the way that I waste my time. Now, I can surf the net, play poker, screw up my fantasy football team and hell, even blog, from the comfort of my couch. I'm just glad I am among the first of the early adopters to splurge for this new technology.

In other news, here is the actual transcript from an actual conversation between Jenn and myself a couple of weeks ago:

ME: (poking my head out of the bathroom) Honey, I shaved off my goatee...

HER: (loud stomping of feet running down the hall) WHAT!?!?!??!

ME: How does it look?

HER: Um...shouldn't we have discussed this first?

I wonder what her reaction would have been if she wasn't a caring, compassionate minister?

So, this is me, courtesy of the built-in web cam on my shiny new laptop:










Sexy, isn't it? Jesus....what's with the roll below my chin?

(Honest to God, it's a good thing I am married. The average corpse is better looking than I am.)

When I went into the bathroom that night, I didn't intend to come out of it clean shaven. It's not like I thought to myself, "Self? How can I make myself even uglier? Oh, I know. I'll shave off the goatee."

Nope, it was a spur-of-the-moment type of thing. I've had my goatee since college because even back then, I had a round, chubby face and thought the facial hair would create a thinning look. The only thing it created was a round, chubby face with a goatee. That's OK. I liked it. And when I finally went bald the following year, I thought the shaved head, goatee'd look fit me pretty well.

Also, I had never seen myself with absolutely no facial hair - that is, bald and clean shaven - and I was curious as to what it looked like.

Oops. I haven't done anything that stupid since my best man convinced me to grow a beard, despite being bald. Thankfully, there are no pictures of that turbulent period.

The consensus is that the clean shaven look makes me appear younger. Probably. But most of all, I just look weird. When I went into work the next day, about 75% of the folks I interacted with didn't even make a comment, which tells me one of two things: either they were following their mom's advice in not saying anything if they didn't have anything nice to say; or (and more likely), my face is so utterly unremarkable, that anything short of a pierced forehead wouldn't be worth reacting to.

As for me, I promised that I would give my new look one month before I judge. Today marks the halfway point and although I will continue to shave for the next couple of weeks, let's just say that I am looking forward to having my dog come near me again.

Prime Time

God bless the recession.

Ok, so maybe that is not the politically correct thing to say, especially when I have friends that are out of work. But thanks to the Democrats, they will be collecting unemployment benefits until 2819, so I have peace of mind knowing that they are going to be fine. And if it turns out that they aren't going to be fine, then I will be accepting applications for the 2010 Patriots season. Hey, neither life nor football (aren't they one in the same?) stops just because you are broke.

Because I am a glass half-full type of person, I'm always looking to turn a frown upside down. So while the rest of the world bitches and moans about inconsequential things, such as not having any money, I'm taking note of all the great things about the world's economic clusterf&ck:

• Unbelievable deals on cars. Forget cash for clunkers. You want a car? Wait until November, when the dealers are struggling again and have to get rid of the 2009 inventory. In fact, only if you were at a NAMBLA convention the day after Jack-o died would you have seen as many sad faces as you'll see at a dealership come November.
  

• Unbelievable deals on houses. Let's face it, if you don't currently own but are looking to, the market will never get any better. And I know of what I speak, having incurred a loss of more than $30K when I sold my condo. And to the woman who bought my old place: I just want you to know that I jury-rigged the sink in the 2nd bathroom to temporarily stop leaking just long enough so that it would pass inspection. Take that.
  

• Unbelievable deals on Prime steak. In fact, this bullet it so important, I am going to devote the rest of the blog entry to it.

If you know me just a little bit, then you know I am a steak snob. Several times per year, I will visit an incredibly expensive restaurant for the right to drop obscene amounts of money on steak. And why do I do this? Mostly because I have numerous and deep psychological issues. But beyond that, because these restaurants serve the very best quality of steak there is. It is called "Prime" and it is at the top of the USDA's grading scale.

This scale has 8 different grades - which are based on the amount of marbling (speckles of fat) throughout the cut and the age of the animal when it was sent to heaven. But for the purposes of this entry (and to keep you from falling asleep), we'll consider only the top 3.

USDA Prime - the best of the best. Only 2% of all beef in the country is Prime, which is the ultimate in tenderness, juiciness, and flavor. These cuts are quite pricey - usually $40 and above - and found at places such as Ruths' Chris, Smith & Wollensky, The Palm and my personal favorite: Del Friscos.

USDA Choice - Choice beef has less marbling than Prime, but it is still high quality. This is the most popular grade of beef because it contains sufficient marbling for taste and tenderness, while costing less than Prime. Just over half of the beef graded each year earns a grade of Choice. If you order a steak at most decent restaurants (i.e., not Applebees), you're likely getting a Choice cut. Generally, these steaks are $35 and below. However, there are a growing number of "nice" restaurants that are selling Choice cuts at Prime prices. Easy enough to tell, though. Look at the menu - the restaurant will almost always boast that their steaks are USDA Prime on the menu. If you don't see it, you're getting Choice. If this is the case, be sure to complain to the waiter and then kick him in the nuts. Just because.

USDA Select - This is generally a lower-priced grade of beef with less marbling than Choice. Select has the least amount of marbling, making it leaner than, but often not as tender, juicy and flavorful as the other two top grades. About a third of beef graded falls into this category. Until recently, most of the beef carried at the supermarket was Select grade. And if you order a steak at places such as Friendly's, TGIFriday's or your local coffee shop, you'll almost certainly get Select. You're better off eating a Big Mac.

So what is my point? Well, I don't have one. Except for this. Apparently, all of the doom and gloom about the economy has had quite a negative impact on the top-end restaurants that serve Prime steak. These types of places depend on businesspeople with large expense accounts and schmucks like me who indulge for a special occasion. Today, expense accounts are just enough to pay for Pizza Hut and anyone with even an iota of common sense isn't dropping $200 on dinner, so the Smith & Wollenskys of the world are really struggling.

And because these restaurants are struggling, they aren't buying nearly as many steaks as they used to. So where is all of this excess inventory going?

Costco. For $9.99 per pound.

I haven't been this excited since I was told that Santa Claus doesn't exist. Before the recession, the only place to find Prime steaks was at the aforementioned restaurants or online through the wholesaler (which included a very high markup). That's it. There simply wasn't enough to be sold through traditional retail channels.

But today? I can go over to Costco (a very convenient 3 minute drive from my office) and pick up 4 Prime ribeyes for less money than what I would spend on one steak at Ruths Chris. Crazy. And freaking awesome.

In the interest of full disclosure, you won't get the exact same taste at home with a Costco Prime steak as you would at a high-end restaurant. That is because the restaurant will let the steak age for a few weeks, season it with a few secret ingredients and cook it at a much higher temperature than you can at home. Still, the Costco Prime steak is more tender, more juicy and more flavorful than anything you can buy anywhere else. And did I mention that it's only $9.99 per pound?

So while most of the world is caught up in their "woe is me" attitude, I prefer to look on the bright side. Hopefully, the nation's economic recovery will be slow, affording me the opportunity to tailgate with Prime steaks at every Pats game this fall.

And although my birthday isn't for another 7 months, feel free to head to Costco and send me an early gift. This deal isn't going to be around forever, you know...