How Dumb Am I?

I was thinking of leaving the rest of this post blank and watching a record number of comments pour in. And as much fun as that would be, think I'll keep writing.

On the most recent episode of Survivor - yes, it's still on and yes I still watch it - one of the five remaining players made the dumbest mistake in the history of that show. It might even go down as the most boneheaded move since the invention of the McRib. A 22 year old ice cream scooper named Erik, who had previously won immunity and was safe from being voted out at tribal council, was convinced by the four remaining contestants (all women) that in order to "gain the respect of his tribe," he must transfer his immunity to one of the others.

In a related development, he was sent home a few moments later. Unreal. The dude would have had a 1-in-4 shot at a million bucks but ended up losing out because he felt guilty for trying to deceive others. In Survivor. Where the motto is "outwit, outplay, outlast." Well done.

While I still chuckle at his stupidity, it got me thinking about some of the dumb things I've done in my life. Fear not, I won't list them all, as typing even 10 percent of them would keep me at the keyboard until August. Still, for someone who prides himself on having common sense, I've done some pretty ridiculous things. For example:

• Growing a beard. While bald.
  

• Putting down 13 beers at a college party and not drinking an ounce of water the entire evening. The resulting hangover lasted 5 days.

• Drinking Busch Light at the aforementioned party. Busch Light!

• Promising a reporter that she would be first to break a client's big news, only to end up working with another reporter who beat her to it.

• After drinking two 32 oz. Jack and Cokes, passing out on a friend's couch, waking up, walking over to the entertainment center in the corner of the living room and urinating all over the TV...while 5 people in the kitchen were looking on.
  

• Drinking two 32 oz Jack and Cokes.
  

Notice a pattern yet? Jon + alcohol = idiot.

However, you'll be pleased to know that my dumbest moment took place while completely sober. That would be the time that I decided an SOS pad would be the most effective tool to remove tree sap from all over my car. And you know what? I was absolutely right! The sap came right off. Ha!

And so did the clearcoat and paint.

I hadn't had the car for more than 3 months and within a 5 minute span, I scrubbed away 90% of it's worth.

Why did I do it? Because my head was in shambles after an attractive female friend, whom I was mostly in lust with, told me that she had lupus and might die. What's worse is that this woman had a unique gift to make a mountain out of the tiniest molehill. Drama queen would only be a starting point to describe her personality. However, that didn't stop your pal Jon...I bought it hook, line, sinker and brillo pad.

You can probably already figure out that she did not have lupus. She forgot to mention that doctors told her lupus was one of 263 reasons she wasn't feeling well that week. The official diagnosis was a mild-to-moderate case of the sniffles.

And now that I've put the idea in your head, perhaps you, my faithful reader, will start thinking about some of the dumber things you've ever done. Acceptable answers include:

• Reading this blog
• Becoming friends with me
• Marrying me

I'd ask you to share in the comment box, but I've learned my lesson from the great food posting experiment of April.

By the way, getting back together with The Mouth came in a close second.