Bad Parenting 101

Last night, I dined at The Melting Pot with several friends. It was an enjoyable evening, with an emphasis on "evening," as the meal lasted 3.5 hours. With that said, the person who invented the fondue business model ought to receive the Nobel Prize for economics, a heartfelt handshake for his or her brilliance, and a punch to the face.

What a racket. Diners pay through the nose so that they can eat melted cheese, dinner that they cook themselves and melted chocolate. There are no chefs at these restaurants, as there is nothing to actually cook. Instead, the kitchen is almost certainly populated by recent college grads who believe the first step on the arduous journey to becoming the next Iron Chef is to assemble salads and put shredded cheese in containers, which the waiters then throw into the burner at the table.

Needless to say, the next time you decide to get together for a fun-filled evening with your friends and are OK with not having enough money to pay this month's mortgage, I wholeheartedly endorse The Melting Pot.

Anyway, somewhere between the 2nd round of drinks and the salads that arrived after the entrees, came the always-soothing sounds of a young infant screaming his/her/its head off. Now, if you're like me - and be thankful you're not - you wouldn't think a fondue restaurant is an ideal place to bring a baby. Not only is there a higher risk for injury with sharp utensils, hot oil, scalding burners built into the table, etc... meals at a place such as this tend to be on the longer side. Say, 3.5 hours long.

However, if this was your thought process, you would be wrong. At least one enterprising parent decided last night that the proper place to dine with a baby at 9 p.m. on a Saturday evening was, in fact, The Melting Pot. Now, to be fair, the screaming did not last long. I'm not sure if this is because the person realized what a poor judgment they exhibited and quickly left, or because they dunked junior in the pot of bubbling oil. Either way, the crying quickly subsided and all was well.

Almost immediately, the conversation at the table turned to other inappropriate places that parents bring their babies to. As for me, I can recall at least the following firsthand:

- A 10 p.m. rated R movie
- On that note, any movie
- A Cirque du Soleil show in Vegas
- On that note, Vegas
- A high-end restaurant
- Wrestling matches

I'd like to say that whenever I see or hear a crying baby at places such as this, I shake my head in disbelief, but I'd be lying. At this point, I am more surprised when I go to an inappropriate baby venue and don't hear any wailing.

However, the question must be asked: What the hell are these people thinking? Seriously, what could possibly lead a person to believe that it is OK to bring a 6 month old to a movie, where it needs to remain quiet for 2 hours. Are they being selfish? Do they simply not care? Can they not afford a babysitter? Are they mourning their crushing defeat on "Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader?"

At the same time, why don't inappropriate baby venues have policies - and people to enforce them - that would prevent this type of situation in the first place? For instance, with the exception of 10 a.m. "mommy" movies and encore performances of Saw IV ("this is what's going to happen to you if you don't stop crying!"), children under the age of 4 should not be allowed inside.

To that end, here are three rules that should be adopted worldwide, effective yesterday: restaurants that do not have a children's menu should not allow admittance to kids under 10. Anyone who brings a stroller to Vegas should be immediately driven out to the middle of the desert and left for dead (the baby can be FedEx'd back home). Flights longer than 1 hour should be equipped with NyQuil or marijuana to ensure a quiet cabin. Etc.

(Editor's note: the aforementioned suggestions apply to all children, everywhere in the world, unless your last name is Stewart and you live in an Eichler in Sunnyvale, Calif. If that is the case, I love you dearly and you can do no wrong.)

Sure, you might think I am going a little over the top. But you'd be wrong. That won't officially happen until I publish the official rules for eliminating children from maternity wards.