Mark's Top 10

For those of you fortunate enough not to have read Mark's commentary on my last blog post, he thought it would be helpful to offer a top 10 list of topics that I can philosophize on if I were having trouble coming up with ideas of my own.

It should now be noted that Mark has no taste in steak, only sometimes can fix cars and inexplicably plays bad poker hands in his spare time, but the man is a genius.

And so, much to your (and Mark's) dismay, here are my always logical and mostly ridiculous thoughts on:

1. Oil prices – Why the Laws of Supply and Demand Are a Crock of sh*t.
In my view, we're stuck with $4 gas for a few reasons. First, oil producing countries are not increasing supply to cope with an ever-increasing demand. Damn you China and other far-eastern countries. What was wrong with your rickshaws?

Second, while oil companies do not control the market, what they do control is the silly insistence on sustaining their profit margins. The higher the price of oil, the more profit generated, which is why you see Exxon/Mobil reporting profits of around $54 billion per day (I am only slightly exaggerating). And as public companies, Big Oil is not going to reduce their profit margins. Ever.

Third, we happen to be driving vehicles that run on the same technology which powered the Wright Brothers' first car 100 years ago. Does this make any sense? Fact is, we already should be driving cars that run on garbage, but for the past few decades, our lawmakers have been too busy accepting payoffs to actually make this happen. I suppose if the oil crisis of the 1970s didn't lead to such goals, nothing will. Seriously, we as a society are morons.

2. How the Heck is Miley Sirus So Friggin Popular - How You Can Get Your Daughter to be as Successful.
This is a classic case of "who you know." Today, having talent is not required to become rich and famous. Which means that if I knew any powerful entertainment people at all, I'd be loaded. Plan B - name your daughter Hannah Montana.

3. America’s Obsession With Big Sunglasses – The Untold Story
Who looks cooler:
This person? This person? This person?.....or this person?

Now seriously, please take those silly glasses off. Much like those who embraced the unfortunate return of corduroy pants, you're embarrassing yourselves.

4. Fashion – How Something So Ugly, Can Sell For so Much – a Brief Lesson in Economics
Ah yes, fashionistas. Forsaking any semblance of individuality to follow orders from those who have somehow been granted absolute power to determine what is acceptable to wear. Silly me...I thought World War II had eradicated those pesky Nazis. Looks like I was mistaken.

5. A Mystery - How Does the Speedo Style Bathing Suit Still Find a Market to Sell in Today’s Society?
Because the fashion Nazis say so.

6. “What I Would Do Differently if I Were God. A list.”
- Prevent the birth of David Tyree.
- Oh, and facilitate peace on earth. Blah blah...

(in that order)

7. The Cost of Doing Business – The Benefits of Legalizing the Drug Trafficking Trade
We already are. Of course, legalizing pot - which one could easily argue is less harmful than cigarettes and no more harmful than alcohol - would generate billions of dollars in taxes. Good thing that our local, state and federal governments don't need the money.

The same goes for online gambling.

8. Frivolous Lawsuits and Liberal Judges – Why We Need to Rid Ourselves of Both.
Two reasons why this will never happen. First, the news media would be forced to do stories on things that actually impact people, such as sleep apnea, digital dental technology, innovative health benefits that help sick people get better quicker, tests that can predict the severity of prostate cancer and "per-seat, on-demand" regional jet service.

Second, they'd have to take Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Dredd and all of the other judges off the air.

9. The Downsizing of America – Prices Go Up, Portions Go Down – How You’re Getting Screwed and Don’t Even Know It.
Remember back in the day when you would go to a movie and get a big bucket of popcorn? It was 1990 and I went to go see Hunt for Red October. I get to the concession stand and there is a big sign alluding to the switch from buckets of popcorn to bags. The price for a large increased by 50 cents and the size of the bag could not have been even half the size of the bucket. According to the sign, bags were better for the environment than buckets. I am not kidding, and if you don't think this was a seminal moment in my life that I have truly yet to get over, then you don't know me at all.

10. Eat Off the Floor – Its OK. 14 Great Reasons to Allow Your Kids to Get Sick Once in a While.
Please. It's probably healthier to eat off the floor these days than it is in a restaurant. The salmonella outbreak? Anyone with half a brain knows that the oil companies are behind it. After all, you're not going to rickshaw to the doctors office....