Journalist For a Day

I know what you're thinking - two blog posts in the same week? What did I do to deserve such reward? You did nothing - but I am feeling extra generous. Besides, this one is easy.

Every week in the summer, I play on the work softball team. The following day, someone from the team writes a recap of the game in quasi-journalistic fashion. Last year, I pretty much did "the write-up" full-time. The office seemed to enjoy my unique, clever, satirical (insane) fake articles. This year, things have been a bit busy, so the one I wrote this morning was my first of the summer. Since some of you inexplicably have praised my writing style, I thought it would be neat to post last night's game recap to the blog. Our team is called The Force.

Enjoy.

BLOWOUT

Force steamrolls FAMA to continue perfect season; Whitman sparks concern by opting for water over beer

By Bruce Wayne

WALTHAM, Mass. – 26-2. And it wasn’t even that close.

The Force produced their best all-around game in several years, crushing longtime rival FAMA in front of a raucous home crowd at SleepApneaInfo.com Field in Newton. With the win, your hometown heroes improved their record to 8-0 and with two games to go, are one step closer to perfection in the mythical PR/Analyst/Trade Publication/Insurance softball league.

Despite the decisive victory, Manager Emily Fisher kept a sense of perspective. “We’re happy to get the win. We’ll enjoy it tonight and then start preparing for next week,” said Fisher. “I thought the team played well. Like every week, we did some good things and we did some not-so-good things. We’re always trying to find a way to improve.”

The Force needs one more victory to advance to the championship game where they could make history as the first undefeated team in the history of the league. This year’s game will be played in Glendale, Arizona.

Fisher, however, wouldn’t look ahead.

“Look, all we can do is prepare for the next game,” she said. “Our focus is on Lois Paul & Partners. They are a well-balanced team – they run well, they hit well and they field well. We’re going to have to play at our best if we want to chance to win.”

As for the game, The Force played nearly flawless softball. Offensively, Schwartz was firing on all cylinders. The team scored 8 runs in the first inning, followed by 10 runs in the second. Perhaps more impressively was how the team played on defense. In three of the seven innings, Schwartz did not allow a baserunner, sending FAMA down 1-2-3. By the time FAMA came to bat in the top of the 5^th, Schwartz clung to a 22-0 lead. Thoughts of a shutout were dispelled when FAMA eeked out a single run in the 5^th and the 6^th. Fittingly, the game ended on a spectacular diving catch made by shortstop Zach “Isn’t he dreamy?” Servideo, who made the play on a ball hit to shallow left field. Servideo could be seen signing autographs for himself after the game.

While the outcome was never in doubt, there were several storylines off the field. Outfielder Andrew Law, who raised the ire of the fandom by sitting out the last several games while claiming soreness in his knees, returned to action last night. This is not the first time Law has raised suspicions about his injury status and with The Force not having yet committed to picking up his option for next season, there is speculation that Director of Player Personnel Mike Farber is entertaining trade offers for the embattled SAE. Law had no comment after the game but did go a perfect 4-for-4 on the evening and scored 3 runs.

The crack marketing staff at SleepApneaInfo.com field staged two promotions for last night’s game. The first was “Bring your kids to the park night.” Both FAMA and Schwartz had strong family support, although it should be noted that many of the FAMA kids were crying by the end of the game, reportedly driven to tears by the team’s poor performance. As for The Force, it is likely not a coincidence that the team’s best game of the year coincided with visits from Jack Farber and Harrison, Delaney and Jared Kabat. Force players opened the bench area to the offspring and could be seen playing with them in between innings.

The second promotion – “Catch the ball with something other than your glove night” – seemed to be designed strictly for FAMA. At various points in the game, opposing players eschewed gloves and attempted to make a play using feet, chests and arms. While this approach seemed to keep the medics busy, it was not as successful in keeping The Force off the scoreboard.

Notebook

The team made a triumphant return to RJ Crowleys in West Newton last night for postgame fun. In 2006, after several years at Crowleys, the team relocated their after party to Paddy’s Pub. However, ongoing logistical issues – including lost reservations and one very bad order of mussels – sparked the return to a once-favorite stomping ground. While the food and drink were top-notch, attention was focused squarely on infielder/outfielder/all-around nice guy Tim Whitman, who drank several glasses of water, but only one beer (normally, it’s the other way around). Whitman, who declined comment, is thought to be suffering from a moderate case of abdominal overhang and is restructuring his caloric intake in preparation for his nuptials to the very lovely Lauren Arnold. As a result, bartenders around the Boston-area have designated today as an official period of mourning.

For the first time this year, every Schwartz player had at least one hit and scored at least one run. Despite the offensive outburst, Schwartz did not hit any home runs, although to be fair, the team noticeably dialed back their aggressiveness in the later innings. Statistics for each player is below.

39 days until kickoff.

Next Week: The pursuit of perfection continues next week with a rare August road game as The Force takes on Lois Paul & Partners in Woburn.

PLAYER STATISTICS:
Mike Farber (OF): 5 for 5; 3 runs scored

Jess Fiorelli (1B): 4 for 5; 2 runs scored

Jon Siegal (3B): 5 for 5; 2 runs scored

Dave McKee (SS): 3 for 5; 1 run scored

Tim Whitman (IF/OF): 3 for 5; 3 runs scored; 1 beer; 3 waters

Chuck Kabat (OF): 5 for 5; 3 runs scored

AJ Gosselin (C/OF): 4 for 4; 3 runs scored

Zach Servideo (IF/OF/C): 1 for 4; 1 run scored

Andrew Law (OF): 4 for 4; 3 runs scored

Nick Gosselin (IF/OF): 4 for 5; 1 run scored

Jeff Benanto (IF/C): 1 for 4; 1 run scored

Emily Fisher (P): 3 for 4; 3 runs scored

The Final Frontier

Confession time: I am a science fiction geek. Let the jokes begin.

No, I've never worn Vulcan ears. Yes, I did want my own time-traveling DeLorean. No, I was never in love with Princess Leia (now Chewbacca - on the other hand - what a hunk).

Perhaps I should clarify - I'm a fan of good science fiction. And guess what? So are you.

Don't believe me? This movie seemed to be pretty popular; this one was in the theaters for almost a full year; just about everyone saw this movie. This film is considered a classic; and, Will Smith became the world's biggest star based on this movie and this one.

I could go on, but because most of you have either gone insane or clicked to another web site, I'll stop.

I bring up the topic of science fiction because I recently saw The Dark Knight (also known as Batman VI). The movie has been out 10 days (as of this blog post) and has already made a LOT of money. Why? Because it's really, really good. In fact, it is the most well-written and entertaining movie I've seen in a long, long time. And while Batman doesn't have any traditional superpowers, many of his contraptions are a bit on the far-fetched side. So, for that reason, and for the purposes of using this example to suit my argument, I hereby label Batman as sci-fi. So there.

The problem with science fiction is that much of it is drivel. Because the story usually involves elements that require the viewer to suspend some measure of belief, writers/directors believe that plot and character development can take a backseat. The result is a TV show or film that is stereotypically bad. However, on the flip side, when a quality product is delivered, the result tends to be one blockbuster after another.

Although it is much harder to find, there is some good science fiction on television. Lost is one good example (although nobody knew that this show would incorporate sci-fi elements when it started). Another good example is Battlestar Galactica, which is down to it's last handful of episodes. For much of the 4 years that it's been on the air, this show was considered among the best, if not the best, on television. Hard to argue - it's an excellently written TV show that just happens to take place in space.

Of course, this simple fact is enough of a reason for most viewers to ignore it in favor of more compelling programming like this, this and this. Why watch intelligently produced shows when we can watch one reality show after another where three judges make someone cry, then eliminate them from the competition?

My personal favorite sci-fi TV show is called Stargate, which is derived from the movie of the same name. If you've been to the house, you'll no doubt notice the box sets of each season next to the DVD player. It's a smart, well-written show that doesn't take itself too seriously...and happens to be based on a portal allowing instantaneous travel to other planets. Given the high cost of gas these days, instantaneous travel has it's advantages.

Underneath the story line is a refreshing amount of dry wit and sarcasm, which precious few TV shows and movies have. Although the series was canceled last year after a 10-year run, two straight-to-DVD movies were made - one which was released in March and the other which will be released this week. Oh, and a spin-off series is currently in it's 5th season, which is a testament to the interest generated from a consistently produced high quality product.

Alas, I doubt I've converted the non-believers to give science fiction a shot. That's OK - I invite the jokes that are sure to follow. In fact, I demand them. That is, unless you are too busy watching such quality programming such as this.

Mark's Top 10

For those of you fortunate enough not to have read Mark's commentary on my last blog post, he thought it would be helpful to offer a top 10 list of topics that I can philosophize on if I were having trouble coming up with ideas of my own.

It should now be noted that Mark has no taste in steak, only sometimes can fix cars and inexplicably plays bad poker hands in his spare time, but the man is a genius.

And so, much to your (and Mark's) dismay, here are my always logical and mostly ridiculous thoughts on:

1. Oil prices – Why the Laws of Supply and Demand Are a Crock of sh*t.
In my view, we're stuck with $4 gas for a few reasons. First, oil producing countries are not increasing supply to cope with an ever-increasing demand. Damn you China and other far-eastern countries. What was wrong with your rickshaws?

Second, while oil companies do not control the market, what they do control is the silly insistence on sustaining their profit margins. The higher the price of oil, the more profit generated, which is why you see Exxon/Mobil reporting profits of around $54 billion per day (I am only slightly exaggerating). And as public companies, Big Oil is not going to reduce their profit margins. Ever.

Third, we happen to be driving vehicles that run on the same technology which powered the Wright Brothers' first car 100 years ago. Does this make any sense? Fact is, we already should be driving cars that run on garbage, but for the past few decades, our lawmakers have been too busy accepting payoffs to actually make this happen. I suppose if the oil crisis of the 1970s didn't lead to such goals, nothing will. Seriously, we as a society are morons.

2. How the Heck is Miley Sirus So Friggin Popular - How You Can Get Your Daughter to be as Successful.
This is a classic case of "who you know." Today, having talent is not required to become rich and famous. Which means that if I knew any powerful entertainment people at all, I'd be loaded. Plan B - name your daughter Hannah Montana.

3. America’s Obsession With Big Sunglasses – The Untold Story
Who looks cooler:
This person? This person? This person?.....or this person?

Now seriously, please take those silly glasses off. Much like those who embraced the unfortunate return of corduroy pants, you're embarrassing yourselves.

4. Fashion – How Something So Ugly, Can Sell For so Much – a Brief Lesson in Economics
Ah yes, fashionistas. Forsaking any semblance of individuality to follow orders from those who have somehow been granted absolute power to determine what is acceptable to wear. Silly me...I thought World War II had eradicated those pesky Nazis. Looks like I was mistaken.

5. A Mystery - How Does the Speedo Style Bathing Suit Still Find a Market to Sell in Today’s Society?
Because the fashion Nazis say so.

6. “What I Would Do Differently if I Were God. A list.”
- Prevent the birth of David Tyree.
- Oh, and facilitate peace on earth. Blah blah...

(in that order)

7. The Cost of Doing Business – The Benefits of Legalizing the Drug Trafficking Trade
We already are. Of course, legalizing pot - which one could easily argue is less harmful than cigarettes and no more harmful than alcohol - would generate billions of dollars in taxes. Good thing that our local, state and federal governments don't need the money.

The same goes for online gambling.

8. Frivolous Lawsuits and Liberal Judges – Why We Need to Rid Ourselves of Both.
Two reasons why this will never happen. First, the news media would be forced to do stories on things that actually impact people, such as sleep apnea, digital dental technology, innovative health benefits that help sick people get better quicker, tests that can predict the severity of prostate cancer and "per-seat, on-demand" regional jet service.

Second, they'd have to take Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Dredd and all of the other judges off the air.

9. The Downsizing of America – Prices Go Up, Portions Go Down – How You’re Getting Screwed and Don’t Even Know It.
Remember back in the day when you would go to a movie and get a big bucket of popcorn? It was 1990 and I went to go see Hunt for Red October. I get to the concession stand and there is a big sign alluding to the switch from buckets of popcorn to bags. The price for a large increased by 50 cents and the size of the bag could not have been even half the size of the bucket. According to the sign, bags were better for the environment than buckets. I am not kidding, and if you don't think this was a seminal moment in my life that I have truly yet to get over, then you don't know me at all.

10. Eat Off the Floor – Its OK. 14 Great Reasons to Allow Your Kids to Get Sick Once in a While.
Please. It's probably healthier to eat off the floor these days than it is in a restaurant. The salmonella outbreak? Anyone with half a brain knows that the oil companies are behind it. After all, you're not going to rickshaw to the doctors office....